It’s been a bit of a respite in posting, and for those of you who relate and wish I was being more on top of things, here we are.
I am going to get straight to the point. This last month has been nothing short of abundance for me personally. Perhaps not fiscally, but most definitely in the love of those around me. In measures I’ve never known and in a weight no scale could ever hold the value of.
And then there was today.
Today, was one of those days that started so ordinarily and turned sour so abruptly. The expiration date became expedited on the circumstantial goodness of my day. In many ways that don’t really matter.
Here is what matters.
At the risk of being brutally honest, I am going to tell you that there has been a saying running through my mind pretty frequently in these last few weeks. Here is the phrase.
“Everything is terrible & I hate it.”
It started as kind of a joke. Or if I’m being really truthful, a coping mechanism. It was my own “funny” way of dealing with disappointment, discouragement, and the nagging lies of hopelessness tugging at every heart string I would allow to be pulled out of my control.
And then today. Something in me broke. Into a million splinters that disguised themselves as tears. It was not gratefulness or repentance that burned down my face. It was animosity. Pure hatred for all the injustice that exists in this world. Numbness. Anger. Every instinct to get up and run out the door never to return.
I feel I need to place this in context. All of this raw emotion and unadulterated tears took place in the midst of a small worship gathering of friends. People were singing and lifting up praises to God singing words of His worthiness, His holiness, how He is so good to us.
And I sat on the couch with my face in my hands, believing every word they were singing with my whole heart, but feeling every wrongful act committed on anyone that I loved. Every sting of helplessness in watching others around me dwell in destruction. I believed every word of God’s holiness, but I felt every pang of death for lives lived without Him.
So I cried. Then I stared at the ceiling. Then a loving sister wrapped her arms around me and prayed. Praying away every animosity and hateful feeling I felt. Every demon that was coming for me faded. All the darkness doing everything in its power to overtake me vanished the way fog kind of takes away the grime in the air. It all lifted. Slowly and surely.
I sat there wanting to sing praises, but still choking on my own sobs. So I raised my hands. And sobbed some more.
It really was all I could do. Every weight of the world was coming for me with a vengeance. I could feel it all. It was all I could do to sing, “I trust you God” and keep my hands up and cry. It was everything I had to give.
Then. It not only lifted. It was eradicated. Completely evicted from my heart, my mind, my body, my spirit. Just as quickly as the milk in my life’s carton had gone sour, it was completely restored back to wholeness. Right there in my friends’ house with people I knew and didn’t know. It was nothing short of amazing. And certainly nothing short of what I always believed God was going to do somehow, yet so mystical all at the same time.
Now. There is not much more I have to say about this incredible encounter with the power of God, but I do want to share a little bit of a song that came out of it. Here are the lyrics from tonight.
Oh they’re gunnin’ for me
But I am comin’ for you
I am kept, on Eagles’ wings
We’ll fly away and into