Eagles Wings

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It’s been a bit of a respite in posting, and for those of you who relate and wish I was being more on top of things, here we are.  

I am going to get straight to the point.  This last month has been nothing short of abundance for me personally.  Perhaps not fiscally, but most definitely in the love of those around me.  In measures I’ve never known and in a weight no scale could ever hold the value of. 

And then there was today. 

Today, was one of those days that started so ordinarily and turned sour so abruptly.  The expiration date became expedited on the circumstantial goodness of my day. In many ways that don’t really matter.

Here is what matters. 

At the risk of being brutally honest, I am going to tell you that there has been a saying running through my mind pretty frequently in these last few weeks.  Here is the phrase.

“Everything is terrible & I hate it.”  

It started as kind of a joke.  Or if I’m being really truthful, a coping mechanism.  It was my own “funny” way of dealing with disappointment, discouragement, and the nagging lies of hopelessness tugging at every heart string I would allow to be pulled out of my control.  

And then today.  Something in me broke.  Into a million splinters that disguised themselves as tears.  It was not gratefulness or repentance that burned down my face.  It was animosity.  Pure hatred for all the injustice that exists in this world.  Numbness. Anger. Every instinct to get up and run out the door never to return.  

I feel I need to place this in context.  All of this raw emotion and unadulterated tears took place in the midst of a small worship gathering of friends.  People were singing and lifting up praises to God singing words of His worthiness, His holiness, how He is so good to us. 

And I sat on the couch with my face in my hands, believing every word they were singing with my whole heart, but feeling every wrongful act committed on anyone that I loved.  Every sting of helplessness in watching others around me dwell in destruction.  I believed every word of God’s holiness, but I felt every pang of death for lives lived without Him. 

So I cried.  Then I stared at the ceiling.  Then a loving sister wrapped her arms around me and prayed.  Praying away every animosity and hateful feeling I felt.  Every demon that was coming for me faded.  All the darkness doing everything in its power to overtake me vanished the way fog kind of takes away the grime in the air.  It all lifted.  Slowly and surely.  

I sat there wanting to sing praises, but still choking on my own sobs.  So I raised my hands.  And sobbed some more.  

It really was all I could do.  Every weight of the world was coming for me with a vengeance. I could feel it all.  It was all I could do to sing, “I trust you God” and keep my hands up and cry.  It was everything I had to give.  

Then.  It not only lifted.  It was eradicated.  Completely evicted from my heart, my mind, my body, my spirit.  Just as quickly as the milk in my life’s carton had gone sour, it was completely restored back to wholeness.  Right there in my friends’ house with people I knew and didn’t know.  It was nothing short of amazing.  And certainly nothing short of what I always believed God was going to do somehow, yet so mystical all at the same time.

Now.  There is not much more I have to say about this incredible encounter with the power of God, but I do want to share a little bit of a song that came out of it.  Here are the lyrics from tonight.

Eagles Wings

Oh they’re gunnin’ for me 

But I am comin’ for you

I am kept, on Eagles’ wings

We’ll fly away and into

Your glory

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Monday, Lovely Monday

While most of the world dreads Monday morning, I relish in its arrival. It is now my one true “day off” which means I generally have nowhere to be on Mondays.  Hallelujah.

Though there are lots of errands I generally need to attend to, I find a lot of joy in doing them on Mondays.  This is because I am not really constrained to time.  If I want to spend an entire hour at the grocery store, there is no rush.  If I want to do a bit of extra cleaning or simply just sit for the entirety of the morning, I am completely free to do this.  I know my life will not always look like this, and there are many days when I grow weary of the routine of my present life, but for the most part, on Mondays, I experience the adage that “God is not in a hurry”.

And on Mondays in particular, neither am I.

I leave you with a little picture of something God told me this past Autumn.  A proper post on this word will be provided later, but for now, this simple thought will have to do.

Cheers to Monday.

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An Introductory-Spection

564371_10151184819516963_1482263822_nHello.  I created this blog on a particularly down day at work.  At first, my intent was to vent about the various terrible encounters I’ve endured in my time working as a retail girl at a local bakery, but in the process of trying to be clever and funny, I realized that I was completely wasting the lesson I currently inhabit.  So. Here we are.  Allow me to provide a bit of background about myself.

First and foremost I love Jesus with all my heart, mind, body and strength.  If you are looking for commentary that does not include God and my experience of His presence in my day to day life, I give you full permission to exercise your free will and leave this blog at once.  But if you are at all curious at what it could possibly mean or look like for a post-grad twenty-something, please, by all means, stay a while.  I have no qualms of your religious, political or sexual orientation.  I’m just warning you.  You might not always agree with or particularly like what I have to share. Now.  On to less important matters.

I graduated from UCSB a year and a half ago.  I finished early with a fairly decent GPA with a string of extracurriculars.  If I were to describe my student experience from Kindergarten all the way up to the completion of my undergraduate degree, that would pretty much sum it up.  Almost straight A’s, multiple sports and other extracurriculars on top of that.  Next to zero wasted time.  Utter efficiency. Sort of.

And you know what I have to show for it? Nada. The only job I’ve been able to acquire doesn’t really even need a high school diploma or GED.  Supposedly anybody could do this job, within reason.

But here’s the thing.  I am paid much less than most of my friends who graduated a little later than me with less on their plate, but I am learning much more than they ever will in their nice jobs that they enjoy.  Before I go on, please let me say this: I am SO glad I am surrounded by friends who are accomplishing exactly what they have always wanted to do.  It brings me great joy.  Even on my worst days and I am feeling sorry for myself and my struggle of a life, I am always, at the end of the day, filled with joy and pride as I watch my friends excel.

That being said, to say I don’t struggle with jealousy, self-pity and over all sadness sometimes, would be a complete and utter disregard for the truth.  The constant need for my heart to be turned back to humility is nothing short of difficult.  The terrible implications customers make in their questionings of my station in life can sting more than a bullet to the chest.  At the least it can knock the wind from my sails every once in a while.  But here is my point.  Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud (e.e. cummings), to dwell on the hardships are to completely miss everything my loving Lord is trying to teach me: humility, servanthood, love, grace, patience, gentleness. 

It is all too easy to ask God why.  However I’m pretty sure the question He is looking for is what.  What are You doing? What are You saying? What are You teaching me?  I will tell you what it is.  At least as much as I’ve grasped thus far.

The lesson is love.  And if you’re wondering who I’m learning to love, the answer is YOU.  The mother with a small screaming child who in turn barks commands at me as I run around like a chicken with its head cut off.  Or you, the powerful man with lots of money and has yet to be stood up to.  Whose gruff demeanor can be demeaning and cruel to the various underlings he encounters in his daily powerful life.  Or you, the eccentric old person who thinks I have nothing better to do than listen to all your great ideas on how to improve a store I have no say in running.  All this in a very hot, very little space, with my own set of baggage as well as my co-workers’.

I am learning to love in spite of insults spit in my face or the assumptions that I am not very smart.  And if you tend to make these off hand assumptions about the workers you encounter every day, whether it be in the grocery store with the kid who is terrified of screwing up his first job or the old Latina lady ringing you up at Walgreens, I assure you, they hear your every ill-timed word and they feel your cold judgements as you walk away.

So, in light of this somewhat heavy introduction, I leave you with a quote from one of my most treasured books.

“It wasn’t only wickedness and scheming that made people unhappy, it was confusion and misunderstanding; above all, it was the failure to grasp the simple truth that other people are as real as you.”

Ian McEwan – Atonement

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